Conversations with my dog

Dog: Ooh you’re going to the toilet. Great I’ll come with you. Hey you just shut the door in my face.

Me: Go to your bed Dog.

Dog: What? Why? Is there someone else in there with you?

Me: Stop sniffing back and forwards along the bottom of the door.

Dog: I just had to make sure there wasn’t someone else in there with you.

Me: Who, apart from you, would want to be in here with me while I’m going to the toilet.

Dog: The cat. Oh no, she’s in there with you isn’t she. That’s not fair I wanna be in there too. Lemme in, lemme in, lemme in. LET ME IN.

Me: The cat is not in here, now go away!

Dog: You sound annoyed. Is there something upsetting you in there? Here, I’ll do some whining in sympathy with you.

Me: #@%$ *&%

Dog: Was that a splash? Oh God did you just fall in the toilet? Thank goodness for these sharp claws that I can scratch at the door with. I’ll have this door destroyed in no time.

Me: Stop that NOW!

Dog: Oh you’re really upset, there must be something very dangerous in there. I’ll start throwing myself at the door to break it down quickly.

Me: Oh for goodness sake. Fine, you can come in.

Dog: I love you, I love you, I love you. Oh I missed you so much.


It’s totally normal to get your 5-year-old son to take a picture of you sitting on the toilet with a dog on your lap, right?



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