Grab your girlfriends and pour the wine. It’s time for a thrilling evening in front of the T.V. getting sloshed while you watch X Factor Mama.
The camera pans along the crowd lining the street; their cheers getting louder as the Judges drive past in their limos. A woman appears on screen jumping around in excitement before collapsing to the ground, unconscious from one of her rogue breasts trying to beat her to death for the damage caused by breastfeeding her eight children. The crowd silences when Paramedics appear, but soon turn to cheers when the woman stands up, minus her two front teeth, and announces that she’s going to go through with her audition.
Oh well played lady. Now the television audience is going to be subjected to a short feel-good segment about your life as a sister-wife on the commune.
Contestant 1: Hippy Mum
Still suffering from mild concussion, Hippy Mum wobbles onto the stage to face the Judges. Pulling her youngest child, nine year old Moonbean Starfire onto her lap to breastfeed, she gathers her other children round her in a semi-circle. Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid smirk at each other as Hippy Mum starts strumming her guitar, closes her eyes and, with a rapt expression, begins to sing.
“Thomewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, there’th a land that I heard of oneth in a lullaby . . . .”
As endearing as her new-found lisp was, the Judges weren’t impressed.
Simon Cowell: “Years ago I sat on two cats, and that’s what you sounded like.”
With a chorus of No’s ringing in her ears, Hippy Mum smiles graciously and wobbles away with her eight children to where her 14 sister-wives are waiting to hug her. They light candles, link arms and conduct a cleansing ceremony to ward off any negative Simon Cowell vibes lingering on her.
Contestant 2: New Mum
Our next contestant walks onto the stage. Her hair is messy, clothes rumpled and the dark circles under her eyes and vacant expression peg her as a new mum. A look of panic crosses her face as some of her supporters in the audience cheer. It took three hours to get the baby to sleep and now he’s crying again. A hush settles on the audience as the lights are dimmed and New Mum’s requested soundtrack of white noise begins. Swaying gently she makes shushing noises then starts singing sweetly . . . .
“Hush now baby, please shut up, Mummy’s tired and had enough”
You know it’s good because L.A. Reid is listening with eyes closed, head swaying like Stevie Wonder. The audience starts cheering again when the Judges say Yes to New Mum, but the sound of wailing soon cuts them off.
“You bastards,” shouts New Mum, thrusting her baby into L.A. Reid’s arms before storming off the stage and collapsing on the floor in tears. A few minutes later she’s back for her baby, racked with guilt and moaning that she’s the worst mother in the World.
As she leaves the stage Britney Spears calls out, ”You know honey, I find taking the baby for a drive on your lap is a good way to get them to sleep.”
Contestant 3: White Trash Mama
Sashaying out into the limelight, White Trash Mama shakes out her bleach-blonde hair, flicks cigarette ash over her toddler’s shoulder and hoists her baby higher on her hip. Wearing a tank top and tiny denim shorts, her pregnant belly is displayed in all it’s glory.
“I’m sexy and I know it. Check it out. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah,” screeched White Trash Mama.
Britney Spears: ”I wanna know who let you on stage. I feel uncomfortable with you even staring at me.”
Simon Cowell: “The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death pop star wannabes.”
Demi Lovato: ”It was like a nose dive with a cork screw.”
A look of anguish appears on White Trash Mama’s face. Tears streaming down her face she begs for another chance, but the Judges are united against her.
“@##$$^$%&#*&^%$#@” screams White Trash Mama as she launches herself at the judges.
Will Simon Cowell be battered to death? Will Britney’s fear that she might be related to White Trash Mama come true? Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of X Factor Mama.
As always, I value your comments. Do you have a favourite type of mum you’d like to see on X Factor Mama?