It’s time for yet another thrilling instalment of They Searched What? and Answers to the big questions. It’s been a while since the last one and, ermahgerd, the search engines have been busy sending crackpots people my way. For all you pervy women who’ve found my blog in your search for a sexy man in the kitchen, I’ve got a special treat for you.  Well, actually I’ve got a special treat for the person who was looking for “sexi man in a kitschen”.  I’m assuming that kitschen is a  kitchen that is kitsch, so I went in search of a truly awful 70′s kitchen for you.  Sadly I couldn’t find any sexy men in tasteless kitchens, but I did find this picture of Sean Connery that fits the bill for all things kitsch.  And because I’m awesome, I photoshopped him into a kitchen. Enjoy.

Species actress porno

Was there a particular species you had in mind? I don’t know about anyone else, but if I’m watching a porno I prefer the species to be homo sapians (erectus?). Call me weird if you must.

Sucking my nipples with a vacuum cleaner

Well aren’t you just a little slice of kinkyness? Are you asking my advice on this or just so excited that you want the World to know? It’s not on my list of things to try, but I’d love to hear from anyone who has.

Do you vacuum up toys

Is this you again kinky vacuum nipple sucker? I probably wouldn’t recommend trying to vacuum up your dildo as that just brings up a whole lot of awkward questions about why your nozzle is vibrating. I think, in all honesty, leave the vacuum cleaner out of your sex games.

Your wife is busy

So go and give her a hand.

Sugar plums dancing over the shoulder boulder holder

Well this seems like a bit of an odd request, but I’m nothing if not obliging.  Hope this helps.

Answers to the big questions – Teenage Angst

Thank goodness search engines have recognised my hidden talent as an agony aunt and have deemed me worthy of answering the questions of these angst-ridden teenage boys.

What if no one loves me?

Then you’re just going to have to love yourself. I would leave vacuum cleaners out of it.

If a girl says to you, “aww bless your cotton socks”, does she like you?

Yes, absolutely. In fact since she is obviously proclaiming her love for you (and your socks) it’s only fair that you return the favour. I suggest a public proclamation, preferably in front of your whole school, wearing medieval clothing whilst playing a love song on a lute.

When things don’t work out do you keep going or give up?

Have you heard of stalkers? When the going gets tough they don’t give up and neither should you. Try sending her one of your unwashed socks to bless.

Why does a girl fart in your presence?

Duh! Because farts are funny. This girl is a keeper since she knows that sharing is caring.

There’s beauty in farting.

Hey if you like this post feel free to leave a comment, or not, whatever.  Or you could do the likey, likey thing by clicking one of the buttons below.  You know, but only if you are in to it.