Are you ready for your alien abduction?

Artists very crappy rendition of alien abduction

Did you know that March the 20th is Alien Abduction Day? No? Well it’s just lucky I brought it to your attention so you can get your UFO Abduction Insurance in time.

If you’re hoping to be abducted on this day, you might like to head to UFO Center to research the best spot for UFO sightings. There’s nothing worse than spending hour upon hour waiting to be beamed up for your anal probe, only to find out that you’re in the wrong spot. But if you have a great spot, make sure you fill out the UFO sighting report form so other anal probe junkees can join you on this auspicious occassion.

If you are not one of the fortunate ones to be abducted on this day, you could always get a great photographer and fake it. This couple did for their alien abduction maternity photoshoot.

I decided to do a bit more research on alien abductions and discovered that if you have a dream about being abducted, then you probably were. One person was so concerned that she posted on a popular parenting forum: “I know this sounds weird, but I had a dream that I was abducted by aliens and now I am late for my period? I am scared I will give birth to some creature! What should I do?!”

So I’ve created a handy checklist for anyone who’s concerned that they may have spawned an alien baby.
1. Was your baby covered in goo at birth?
2. Did your baby come out unable to speak your language?
3. Does your baby use sleep deprivation as a form of torture?
4. Does your baby latch on to your boobs and feast from you?
5. Does your baby use mind control techniques, i.e. looking at you with soulful eyes, causing you to feel all mushy inside and willing to do their bidding?
6. During your pregnancy did you have lots of weird dreams that you can’t really remember, but may (in hindsight) have featured aliens?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then there is a very good chance you have an alien baby. My only advice for you is to immediately join up to the many internet sites devoted to alien abductions so you can share your experiences. I’m sure you will receive enough prompts from other alien abductees to help you ‘remember’ your abduction experience.

If alien abduction is not your thing, then there’s some other great occassions to enjoy in March. New Zealanders are joyfully anticipating March 25th when the give way rules are changing, and fights are already breaking out over who will get to set up their folding chairs at some of the most popular intersections.

Here’s a few others you may wish to celebrate:

1 March – Peanut Butter Lover’s Day. We’ve already begun this celebration as it’s the only condiment we have left in our house before grocery shopping.
4 March – Holy Experiment Day. Anyone want to volunteer to be experimented on?
8 March – Be Nasty Day. I’m already channelling my inner bitch for this one.
9 March – Panic Day.  Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!
16 March – Everything You Do Is Right Day. Now obviously I always do everything right, but it will be nice to be acknowledged for it.
18 March – Supreme Sacrifice Day. I’m a mum, I’m pretty sure I do this every day.
22 March – National Goof-off Day. I’m a stay at home mum, so is it okay to lock the kids in a room with a pile of unhealthy food and leave them to it while I lounge around on the couch reading a book?
26 March – Make Up Your Own Holiday Day – I’m thinking it should be “Everyone needs to read my blog, share it, leave thoughtful comments, and idolise me Day”
28 March – Something On A Stick Day.  Hunky man? Lollipop? Lick all day?
30 March – I Am In Control Day. Yeah kids, you better believe it
31 March – Bunsen Burner Day.   Oh this one has just got to be super fun!

Happy March everyone!

You know I love receiving comments so do feel free to leave one to put a smile on the face of this long-suffering mum of two alien spawn.

And if you can spare a moment please vote for me in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012.  Just click on the link.

And finally, because I need to try and make some money for some basic necessities for my kids, if you have or are planning on becoming pregnant as a result of alien abduction then you should probably get yourself one of these fabulous Result of Alien Abduction maternity t-shirts from my store that I was inspired to create after writing this post.