Warning: Don’t let your hubby read the first paragraph in case they are inspired!
“I’ve got a good idea…” Five little words to strike fear in my heart when uttered by my significant other and his two brothers. The good idea will usually involve kids’ motorbikes of some description, a video camera or two to film the carnage, and someone getting hurt in spectacular fashion. Alcohol is usually involved too, but can’t take all the blame because these three men have inherited the ‘Good Idea’ Gene. An example of what this gene is responsible for would be ‘The Flaming Lawnmower of Death’ – basically you take an old hand mower, lay it flat on one of those trolleys for shifting around furniture, stuff the blades with rags soaked in methylated spirits and attach to the kids’ quad bike using a little pink skipping rope. Get someone to lie on the lawnmower of death then add flameage before towing with the quad.
Apparently no one got hurt because, and I quote, they were “far too safety conscious for that”. If I had been there it wouldn’t have happened, but it was New Year’s Eve and I was working night shift in South Auckland, patching up the rest of the population that had had good ideas.
So along with these three big kids, I have two little ones of my own who require protecting from the Good Idea Gene that they have inherited. Little Miss seems to have this gene in abundance, whilst her older brother appears to have more of the ‘That Looks Like a Good Idea, I’ll Give it a Go Too’ gene. Whenever an opportunity exists to scale to dizzy heights and leap across a chasm of death, you can bet that Little Miss will have spotted it and be ready to leap before I’ve had a chance to furtively address those issues that always crop up when you’re in a public place (i.e. scratch an itchy nipple or retrieve my undies out my crack). Big brother will be milliseconds behind and the war over who gets to jump the chasm of death will begin. If I’m lucky enough I might get there in time to catch the jumpee, but more often than not Little Miss will have her jump expedited by a sharp shove from big brother. The resulting splat usually discourages him from attempting it and is why he has flawless looks, whilst Little Miss has a big scar above her eyebrow and chips out of her front teeth.
He has just starting learning to ride his little motorbike by himself and is already talking about doing ‘sweet jumps’ and roosting in his best friends face! Should I be worried?
The Good Idea Gene isn’t just responsible for acts of total stupidity. It’s a definite impediment on fashion sense. I can’t see wearing underpants on your head taking off, but Little Miss is regularly seen sporting this accessory and is keen to convert family and visitors to this new trend. I’ve had to ensure all my knickers are kept well out of reach after she showed off her look wearing a pair of my “monthly” knickers, which she then tried to put on our visitors head.
After that, scratching my boobies in public doesn’t seem to be so bad!