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Jul 23

Fart Games

Back in the mists of time, when the love between Mr Wub Boo and I was blossoming, a dreadful thing happened. We were still at that loved-up stage in our relationship where bodily functions only happened to other people. So you can imagine my surprise when I was rudely awoken by the duvet being placed over my head and I was subjected to the most God-awful stink I’d ever encountered.

When I managed to struggle free and gasp for air, I turned my attention on Mr Wub Boo only to find he was fast asleep. As a Paramedic I knew enough tricks to assess whether he was faking sleep, and to my consternation, he passed every one of them. Nevertheless, regardless of whether a person is awake or asleep, when they Dutch Oven me there will be retaliation.

The next morning he tried to deny that he’d farted in the night, but was happy to accept high fives from his flatmate when I told him about it.  As he was sitting on the couch, talking on the phone, I felt a fart brewing.  Rather than leave the room to discretely let rip, I allowed it to build in intensity for a while before I stood up on the couch and farted on his head.

Instead of laughing at how funny I was, he looked so disgusted that I actually wondered if I had gone too far. Turns out he was a bit of a prude where farting and women were concerned.  Of course that didn’t stop him from letting rip whenever he felt like it now that our relationship had entered the I’m-comfortable-enough-in-your-presence-to-fart stage.

One day a group of us were hanging out having a drink or ten, when the blokes started having a farting contest. They thought they were hilarious until the girls joined in.

Not only can we girls fart with the best of them, we have the added advantage of being able to do some pretty spectacular queefs when doing shoulder stands (this is why we don’t like men joining our yoga classes).

Over time Mr Wub Boo and I have got so used to each others farts that we don’t really notice them any more.

That was until just recently.

Over the last few weeks the Dutch Ovens have resurfaced – the difference this time being that he is most definitely awake, as proven by his girlish giggles as I gag on the unholy stench.  Slapping the crap out of him hasn’t dimmed his enthusiasm for smothering me in his gaseous emissions so there’s only one thing for me to do. Today I started my ultra-high fibre diet…

Two can play at this game honey!

when-its-bad-enough-dutch-oven-time-demotivational-posters-1301094850

1 comment

  1. Susan

    Melissa : ) @ Figuring it Out as we Grow – July 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm
    Oh I can SOOOO relate to this : ) My boyfriend and his whole family thing farting on people is the best sign of affection there is. After 11 years of being a member of this family, it is now a game I play with my kids : ) When my youngest was little, I would hold her on my shoulder, bazooka style, and chase my son around the house with threats of baby farts : ) Glad to see I’m not the only one!

    Wub Boo Mummy – July 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm
    Hahahaha – wish my kids were small enough for me to turn them into bazooka farters. My son would be awesome at that!
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    hollow tree ventures – July 26, 2012 at 12:40 am
    You can do it!!! Being raised with 4 sisters, my husband was taught never to subject women to the sounds or (gasp) smell of gas. Strangely, I never thought until just now to use it to my advantage – I could launch an all out assault and he’d be powerless to defend himself!

    Wub Boo Mummy – July 26, 2012 at 6:43 am
    Do it…. DO IT!!! Fart Sisters unite in taking back our rights to fart humour.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Just Keepin’ It Real Folks – July 26, 2012 at 7:17 am
    You go girl!!!! As the only female in a house full of farting men, I can tell you that dried apricots work pretty well in the revenge department. Happy dutch ovening!!!
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++
    sparkling74 – July 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm
    I am so horrified and entertained at the same time. I can’t believe a bunch of girls would jump in and start farting with a bunch of guys!! And the whole shoulder stand thing had me rolling. So glad I don’t live in your house!
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Anna -August 1, 2012 at 5:22 am
    Oh my gosh – I LOVE IT!! And to add to my enjoyment, Big Hairy Dog is letting them rip right now. I felt like I was really living this post! :)
    You were one of the most-clicked links at last week’s #findingthefunny party. We’re featuring you tomorrow, and I pinned this. Thanks for linking up!
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Meredith – August 1, 2012 at 11:02 pm
    Oh, bring on the games! Love the rule in the last pic–helps clarify things ;)

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