Blogtabulous celebrates writers who aren’t afraid to make fun of themselves to make you laugh. Actually, they are chosen not for their writing talent, but for any bizarre photos I can dredge up of them to make my fabulous magazine covers. Really the rest of it is irrelevant. It’s just pure luck that they happen to be funny too.
Today I’m interviewing Kim Bongiorno from Let Me Start by Saying. Now she’s so busy with all her writing gigs that the only slot available for our chat was during her morning ablutions. The acoustics in the powder room were so good that we didn’t need side-by-side stalls to conduct our interview, which is just as well as one of us (and I’m not saying which) might have a bit of a problem with anal odour.
As we dropped the kids off at the pool, I asked Kim to tell me about herself.
I’m a giant, white, slightly furry lady who used to have fabulous fun bags, living in the suburbs with my two kids and very patient husband. My blog began as a way to track my journey from SAHM to professional writer while Life kept throwing ridiculous amounts of bullshit my way. It really began to blow up once I shared my year-long frustration with a broken butt, and every procedure to fix it. It has been the kind of ride that’ll give you borborygmi, which is the very best kind of ride.
Why do crayons taste like purple?
Because purple is pleasant enough a flavour to not make you barf if you accidentally consume crayon, but not delicious enough to tempt a repeat, unless under dire circumstances. See also: Children’s Liquid Pain Medication.
What’s it like to have such a famous anus?
My busted back door
catapulted me to the ranks of celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian, only nobody actually wants to photograph mine, being that it is all scarred and whatnot. I get VIP treatment at colorectal surgeon offices, which is way cooler than getting VIP treatment at the hottest night clubs.
The legions of fans that I assume surround me all the time are not intimidated by me because I’m so open about my broken butt troubles, so they simply walk around as if not even noticing me. It’s pretty awesome.
Wow, that’s amazing because my fans do exactly the same. Isn’t it great being able to pluralise a word so people think you’re really famous. For me fans = 3 people and 2 of them are imaginary. Damn I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that. Quick, distraction question…
If a train travelling at 100 miles an hour is running an hour late, and a spaceship travelling in the opposite direction is doing 300 km an hour, why is there poop in the corner?
There is always poop in the corner.
Which children’s television character most deserves to die a horrible death, and how would you kill them?
There is a tie between Barney & Caillou. I want to feed Barney to Caillou kebab-style, then force Caillou to listen to his own voice in a tiny, dark room until he spontaneously combusts from the horror.
So much violence Kim and yet I’m strangely turned on. On that note, if you were trying to seduce me, what dessert and alcohol would be involved?
This is easy. I make friends by inviting their kids over to play with mine at dinnertime. Then I make my butterscotch cookie bakes (basically a butterscotch chip cookie bowl rolled in raw sugar, which caramelizes as it bakes) and fill them with Haagen Dasz cinnamon ice cream. All the sugar and the contrast between hot and cold will make you drunk with love for me. We won’t even need booze. Though, we’ll likely have some red wine in us by then. Either way, you’ll want a piece of me after that. Guaranteed.
Is it wrong that Kim’s getting me turned on with her chatter whilst we’re sitting on toilets listening to each other pooping?
My desire soon turned to horror when I went to wipe. Nice one Kim!
After several failed attempts to lob some loo roll over the door, (apparently Kim can’t throw when she’s laughing hysterically), she finally succeeded and I was able to emerge. As we washed our hands I tried to get Kim to tell me about her deepest darkest fantasies to do with male strippers or some such thing, but, uncharacteristically, she blushed and fobbed me off. Instead she pointed out what she and millions of other women all agree is the very best part of the male anatomy EVER!
Mmmm, I’m not going to argue with that.
Which of your blog posts is your favourite?
I want to say House Rules: The Complete List (so far)
, because it was my friends who insisted I share it on my blog, proving they know me better than I do, but the amount of people sharing and printing out and commenting on Hold the Door: Lessons for My Kids
thrills me. It just means that though most people come to me to laugh at the madness of parenthood, there are so, so many good hearts out there in people who desperately want to raise genuinely good kids. And this makes me insanely happy.
Another of Kim’s popular posts, turned into a meme and doing the rounds on the internet. Make sure you credit Kim if you share it.
You’ve published a book. Tell us about it.
Part of My World: Short Stories is a collection of 21 fiction pieces I created from online writing prompts. It is divided into four sections, and covers all types of stories, from reunited lovers to teenaged angst, Sci-Fi drama to surprising humour. This is a quick-to-read eBook created to remind people that I’m a fiction writer at heart. I have a Young Adult Fiction novel I will try to get published this year, and hope that once people read my eBook, they will get excited to see what else I have up my sleeve.
It is available for only $0.99USD on Amazon
. If you don’t have an eReader, you can easily download the free Kindle App for smartphones or iPad.
Where can people find you?
If you would like to win a copy of Kim’s book on kindle then leave a comment below and I’ll do a random draw for a winner when I have enough comments to justify spending 99c (i.e. more than one).
Sadly our time was up. Before rushing out the door, Kim leaned in close as if she was going to kiss me, handed me a can of odour neutraliser and sweetly whispered, “You might want to spray some of this down your ass crack honey.” (For my non-American readers, yes, I know I spelt arse incorrectly, but Kim is American so she says it wrong.)
Thanks for your time Kim. Oh and don’t forget to give me your address so I can come over for dessert. Kim?